my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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