no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
