my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
The air taste purple.
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