he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
