i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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