There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
