I just threw up on my dentist
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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