my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
