i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
