The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
