6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
