I just made out with a guy for $7.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
