I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
