did you get engaged???
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
