Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
