You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
