Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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