Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
porn star boner night. come get it.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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