I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
