i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
