Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
