Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
