guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
