I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
