Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
