walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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