I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
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You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
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It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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