Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
