Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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