i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I queefed so loud it echoed.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
