I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
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We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
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New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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