My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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