I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I would ride that face into the sunset
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
