its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
