Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
