if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
In America we eat man semen.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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