Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
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I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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