You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
