I will die if light touches me.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
