Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
