so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I will pee on everything he values.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
