Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
