We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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