Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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