During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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