I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
