i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
