I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
