I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
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He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
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There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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