Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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