We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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