yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I think my moral compass just broke
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
