Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
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