It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
