lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
