forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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