That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
