i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
