did you get engaged???
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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