I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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