one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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