Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
