The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Randomize
