haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
